I miss the Green

Why???

2008-10-03T09:52:00.000-07:00

Why???? Why is such a loaded question. We all remember when we were kids or remember some kid along the way playing the why game. You know the game where you ask a question, you get an answer, then you ask why, then another response, then another why, and this goes on until your parents threaten to beat you. But the point is we have all been asking why our entire lives.

I've found myself asking why a lot lately. I've had some struggles in my life for a very long time and I ask why. Why do I have to build homes for families that make only $50.00 and seem to never get a break. Why are they still so happy? Why have two people who have been my co-workers and friends loose their lives this year? Why does my best friend have to go through a rough break up? Why do I seem to never get it and continue to make the same mistakes? I feel I could go on and on with this list forever. I also feel like I would be forever searching for the answers.

I feel like Why is the word with Jesus and God as well. We (humans) have been asking why about Jesus and God since the beginning of time. I also have been asking Jesus a lot of whys lately. I just can not get past the fact that Jesus died to take care of my screw ups, nor can I get past why Christ chooses to do good through me, and I really can not understand why I am loved so deeply and patiently by Him. I have done nothing to warrant being used, saved, or loved by my creator. I have been caught up in the "Religion" that I have always hated. A "Religion" that was a facade. I am a Missionary, that sounds crazy as I type it, but to the world I am a Missionary. And as a missionary I have struggled with God. I had let myself fall short time and time again, unable to share my struggles with those closest to me. Why? I wish I knew. I just felt alone. I felt like I had to be the guy that had everything together, the one who loved God and had the answers. I could not convince myself that I could let others know who I was, because who I was was not pretty.

Then, on a Thursday night more than a month ago I got some of my Why's? answered. Several of my questions had not really been asked yet, but none the less I meet Jesus (or the Holy Spirit, however that works) on a personal level for the first time in a very long time and I realized I was not alone, I did not have the answers, and yes I was not pretty. However, I also realized something else. I am normal. I am also loved. For so long I'd been trying to be who I wanted to be. I wanted to be a man that gave everything he had to his job, his friends, his wife, and most importantly his Jesus, but instead I came up short, miserably short.

As I lay there that night on my knees, my head in my hands, sobbing. Every last one of my emotions pouring out in tears I began to realize something incredible. Jesus never asked me to have it all together, to have the answers, to not be a screw up, and most importantly to do it alone. I was broke and I was finished, I gave up.

As I said before, Why? got answered that night. On the most basic level Jesus answered my questions. The answer was Glory. Why had I struggled for so much, for so long? To Bring Christ Glory. Why have I lost two people I never knew enough? To Bring Christ Glory. Why is my best friend going through the roughest time of his life? To Bring Christ Glory. I could go on, but I don't need to. Life is a Journey is a saying that we have all heard time and time again, but none the less it is true. I am on a Journey with Christ. It's not like one day I don't have redemption through him, and then I quote unquote become saved and everything is fixed. I'm still broke. But what I mean is that Christ is working on me, and he will continue to work on me until I'm ready to leave this place, and I praise God so much for that. Some of the things that have been hindering me for years have been taken care of, and when I ask why did it take so long, there is a simple answer. I struggled for nearly a decade so that when Christ helped me deal with things, it's the compleation of 10 years of Jesus walking me through a bunch of crap, and now I appreciate what He has done for me that much more.

I guess the whole point of this is to say, Please Please Please be real with yourself, with others and with our Lord. The "Church" is supposed to be a place where people feel comfortable to be themsleves. To share in the struggles of this world and of being human. I know I can speak for no one but myslef, but very seldom have I felt that comfortable to share. It makes no sense, why do we feel the need to be perfect, NO ONE asks us to do that. If you've made it this far in my ramblings I guess I just want to you free yourself from the need to be perfect. Please share with someone your struggles, and just see how freeing it is.

5,665.5 Calories & 25,242 Turns Later

2008-09-28T20:02:00.000-07:00

What a ridiculous day. Somewhere way back when my friend Chris and I decided that on this day we should do the "Chili Pepper Challenge" This challenge is one that I feel people in their right mind don't bother accepting the challenge. But in our absence of caring for our bodies we decided that today should be the day that we put our bodies through the test and just see if we could set on our saddles for over 100 miles.

After a good nights rest of five hours our day began with the buzzing of the alarm with the sight of 4:40 flashing in bright red. After crawling out of bed, woofing down a banana and toasted bagel we were off into the dark. We showed up at the 6:15 am to get registered and then after another 30 minuets of waiting for the sun to began to peak over the mountains, we we're off at 6:45 we were off on the most physically demanding challenge of our lives.

Typically when someone is going to attempt to do something like this they spend months training. However due to traveling, building, and mechanical problems I had not rode over thirty miles in over six months. So needless to say I was a little doubtful of my abilities to make it the 102 miles back to the finish line, but none the less we were off.

In the beginning everyone was packet in group warming up the legs but after about eight miles and one of the few measurable hills on the course the pack began to split up. Chris and I were hanging out around the back and when the people in front of us dropped from the lead group so did our dreams of winning so we just found our own grove and settled in right at 19 mph for the long day of riding. The next seventy miles were a contrasting battle of feeling like something on my body was going to break and then I would feel great. We continued to break my yearly and personal records for distance. We blew past the 40 miles I rode back in March and then rolled right through my personal farthest of 65 miles. Then, at mile 70 we turned the corner for the 32 mile homestretch and unfortunately our worst head wind of the day. Due to my lack of training at this point my legs died a very quick death and slowly began to feel like they were being stabbed. This is when Chris became the work horse and did all the dirty work of breaking the wind for me. After what seemed like forever we made it to the last rest stop a mere 15 miles away from the finish line. After one last splash of water and a couple bananas we got back on our bikes and began the longest 15 miles of my life. With Chris pulling the whole way, I struggled for the next seven miles to stay right on his tire until finally I forced one more stop and a quick gel pack. Once we got back on our bikes my legs loosened back up and we rolling. After a short ride we were finally to the finish line.

At around 1:30 p.m., after burning 5,665.5 calories and spinning the pedals over 25,000 times we had finished the 102.33 mile ride in 5 hours 27 minuets and 49 seconds. We had accomplished all of our goals: To finish, to finish under 6 hours, and not to die. All in all a very productive day.

As I set here tonight I realize that my rear end will most likely be sore for the next week and I'm probably not going to be able to walk tomorrow but I would not have changed today for anything. Today was probably one of the biggest accomplishments of my life. Oh and by the way, my butt really didn't really handle the saddle very well.

My New Ring

2008-09-23T12:38:00.000-07:00

I've never really loved the whole wearing a wedding band. I love my wife dearly and want everyone to know that I'm taken, but really I don't like the ring. I have funny shaped fingers and so the ring is not the most comfortable. Plus, sports, building homes, and a whole slew of other things scare me wearing a ring. I'm always afraid that I'm going to break my finger and they're going to have to cut my hand off. OK, perhaps exaggerated but none the less I'm so super excited about my new wedding ring tat.

Unlike my white gold ring or a diamond a tat is forever ( I don't care what Kay says). So what better symbol of my love for my wife than putting something on my finger that refuses to go anywhere. There were several possibilities that went through my mind once I got to the House of Pain. My initial desire was to get a ball and chain, but it was going to be way to hard to get it small enough and look good, so I quickly had to regroup and figure something else out. For those thinking that's a terrible thing to put on your finger to represent your relationship please just take a second and think about it. I LOVE LOVE LOVE being committed and chained to my wife. Anyway, I digress.

I soon decided to go with my love of Japanese design and get a symbol in Japanese. I looked through many books and after contemplating getting symbols that meant things like: why (just because it was funny), love, husband, wife, and so on.I finally came across this one and after talking to Roberta as well as the Pelon, the artist. I chose the symbol for "One" both for it's meaning and the simplicity of the design.

I love the message of one. Roberta and I are now one. How amazing is that. No longer is anything mine but ours, no longer are my actions my own, but they are ours. I am 100% dependent on my wife and she is 100% dependent on my. I love her more than anything else, and it makes sense, she is as much a part of me as I am myself. I can not think of a better reminder of our love and a great excuse to get a tattoo. So......now I guess I'm marked and there's no going back, and both Roberta and myself love it!!

THE FIRST BLOG EVER!!!!!!! (for me)

2008-04-14T14:49:00.000-07:00

Well.....I guess all I have to say is I have made it. I now am officially a blogger. WOW! You can now listen to me ramble twenty four hours a day. That sounds like a pretty sweet deal to me. Today we layed a small section of turf right out side of my office. It is delightful. Coming from a place that is always green and vibrint with color the desert is not always the most pleasent place to live. Today however, I was reminded once again how much I miss the Midwest, and since I just created this blog today I feel it's only appropriate to name it "I Miss the Green". By the way it's amazing at how much better it looks today with a mere 10x20 patch of grass to look at. I cannot wait until I get to create a back yard at my house (rahter then sand). Anywho, I hope you enjoy reading about our adventures here in the Paso and that my ramblings do not drive you to a demented state or make you dumber. If either one of those happens I'm very very sorry and I'll give you your money back.